I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
