So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
