I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
