First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
