we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
