so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I believe in your delicious
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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