and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
