And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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