Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
