while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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