how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize