and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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