I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
