Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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