Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
