I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
