I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
