You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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