thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
