how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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