So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize