Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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