how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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