I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
