I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
