You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
