Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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