It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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