It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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