I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I touched a dick in church today
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
