I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
