he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize