I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
