i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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