remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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