dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
