I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
