I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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