they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
