My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
