what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
