I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
