we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
