just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
