God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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