He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
