Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
