My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize