There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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