i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
