I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
