Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Congratulations! We have a period
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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