If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
