she looked like the before picture.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
