I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
