Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i've created a new STD.
I can't turn off my feet"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
