I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
