I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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