If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize