I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
zippers are such a cool invention
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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