you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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