Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
