Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
