Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
