is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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