I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize