for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
