3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
