Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
