Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
