I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize