Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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