i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
