I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
