This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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